What a thought provoking piece, Emily. I very much agree with the ick feeling. It reminded me of a debate I got into with my little brother after one of my recent posts on careers and motherhood, about the term “primary carer” and his view that both parents are (even the one who works outside the home — to which I don’t agree with if one person is deliberately in the home raising children and all that entails). I don’t particularly enjoy the term primary carer either, but I found myself using it on my CV as opposed to “Mother” — which after reading your piece, I’m reflecting again on that choice. 😂Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼
I love this! I’m not a wife or a mother (sadly) but I think my desire to be both is put out of my reach by women who insist on making everything gender neutral and trying to get worldly recognition and affirmation for motherhood (and all things “womanhood.”) Because they are absolutely trying to say that being home with your children should be optional for women and that a mother and a father should have the exact same role in a child’s life with the exact same time spent and not-spent with their kids. I get that sometimes, women and mothers have to work outside the home. But that should be the exception, not the rule. Gender neutral language subtly tries to make outside work for women and career attainment the rule and the goal by commodifying motherhood until domesticity is no longer the normal, healthy, satisfying and proper place for women (and their children). I am completely trapped in a feminist dystopia corporate nightmare in large part because progressive women are trying to redefine everything feminine and masculinize it for brownie points—which has the (usually, but not always, unintended) side effect of making it so men and women are no longer attracted to each other for marriage and family life because neither sex can actually fulfill their embodied role in creation. A travesty and a grave injustice to those of us who never signed up for this. Thank you so much for mothering instead of “caregiving.” Thank you for choosing your words with care and thoughtfulness. Thank you for your beautiful humility, which is paradoxically one of the most glorious and grand things you could do. And thank you for looking out for all the women behind you who see femininity not as something to be ashamed of or shirked, but as a high calling in its own right.
*EDIT: I want to note that I saw that you are a massage therapist. I don’t think having a profession is a bad thing as a woman. I want to be an author and a screenwriter! I want to be fabulously successful professionally and also be a wife and mother. But I was trying more so to critique a culture that makes pursuit of riches the apex of femininity and mandatory for women. I think it’s great that you do something outside of the home and that it makes you money. I hope to do the same!
Hi Rachel, thanks so much for your kind words! I hope you are able to find your way to motherhood and housewifery eventually, if that is your goal :)
I don’t actually work outside the home. I maintain my massage therapy license and work on my own time, on friends and family. It’s one of my “backup” options if I ever needed to seek gainful employment. I also teach piano lessons as another way to make money on the side, which contributes to our bills and savings. I think it’s a great thing for moms to have “cottage industry” options for living out meaningful hobbies and contributing in more ways than one to their family’s livelihood.
I believe that this is another example of de-gendering the mother's and father's roles in parenting. A mother's duties are made more credible -- and also more easily dismissed as feminine duties -- by the use of a more gender neutral term. Caregiver, birthing person, etc. I reject the term on those reasons alone because I have strong beliefs about what a mother's role looks like in her young child's development and how that SHOULD differ from the father's role.
I think the shift from “homemaker” to “SAHM” is about caring for children—the part you have to pay someone else to do if you have another job. A woman can be a homemaker without children, and she needs to do much of the same homemaking even when she has a full-time job. So it became all about the lack of a job—something women didn’t want to focus on, even if it meant switching to a clunky phrase like SAHM.
Ok, I read it; thanks for sharing! I too use the term “homemaker” when asked for my “job title” on any form. I think it encompasses most of what we do as mothers at home!
An interesting topic here for sure! That Richard Scarry image is great. All mothers work, absolutely. But that's actually why I like the language of "care" and "caregiving": to describe the work of at-home motherhood. Not because I need or want others to validate what I do but simply because it actually is work to tend to other human beings, in that it requires effort and energy. (So not as much as a descriptor of myself but as a descriptor of the work.) Mothers who work outside the home are still mothers; they're just doing less care work. That's how I mostly use this language, to describe what it takes to tend to children. Yes, love is there, and it fuels it, but it's still work and our culture doesn't seem to understand that in the least, especially when it comes to parenting. Many people genuinely don't understand the difference between the work of tending to children (what I'd call care work) and housework (they're not the same, though they overlap). Overall, I think it's really good that we're talking about care in this way and with this language. It's supportive of caregivers, in that it helps elevate the work and get it out of the shadows, to see its value and its dignity. I do agree that we shouldn't shy away from the term of "mother" and other woman-centric language related to motherhood. It's a both/and for me, I think!
When you say "let them think what they want," it seems to me that's asking a lot of women doing relentless, unpaid work: to basically also be fine with people not understanding what they do really at all, even thinking they're doing nothing. We all want our work to be valued. It reminds me of people saying "you're doing the most important job," or "God sees all you do" - not that those things aren't true, just that they can feel sort of... condescending? No one wants to do work that other people don't even see as work! If we want more people to value care, we first have to help people see what it actually is, and so, again, I think the language along these lines is helpful in that regard!
I'm actually reading a book over on my Substack this year about this topic, called When You Care. I think this topic is so very important and I'm glad you wrote this, even though/if we disagree slightly!
Yeah, I loved this essay and also recognize what you're saying, Amber! Like, if I described what I did as "mothering" someone else could think "well yeah I'm a mother too but that's a relationship, not a job.... I WORK" because they've never done the full-on homemaking and mothering thing so they just have no category for what you're doing. lol Which goes back to Emily's "let them think what they'll think" - which like you explain, can be tricky for us to grapple with who are doing the work.
Amber, thanks for your comment! This is exactly the kind of discussion I was hoping to spark!
I see your point, here. I realize it maybe sounds hard to “ask a lot of women to basically be fine with people not understanding what they really do at all, even thinking they’re doing nothing.” But I think that’s often the case when someone is doing something good that goes unacknowledged by the larger community. Learning to become ok with doing what we think is right - even if others ignore it or downright disapprove of it. It’s hard, yes. But I do think it can become easier with time, and positive community. I was hoping my essay might partly serve as encouragement to other women towards this very purpose, because I’m wary of making concessions in language towards a more modern job-centered culture.
I agree with that generally! And time and community definitely make it easier! I just think it's too much to ask of mothers who are already unsupported in so many ways in our modern context.
And to be clear, I'd get major ick as well if someone insisted on being called a caregiver *instead of* a mother. To me, the terms are simply different - a mother is something you are (because you have children); "caregiver" is describing something one does. Mothers give care, a specific type of care called mothering.
I'd write more, but bedtime is calling! Off to do that care work ;)
Thank you for this post! I'm in a different stage of life than you--caring for the two great-grandmas in the family as well as my 2-year-old granddaughter for 24 hours a week. Your essay got me thinking of the linguistic expressions for what I do--I "watch" my granddaughter. I "look after" or "take care of" my mom and MIL. I naturally describe my role as "I've got my mom and MIL living with us". I think that best implies the breadth of the responsibilities I carry. For SAHMs I agree with you--the term "mother" connotes an infinite number of responsibilities that can only be fulfilled by way of the fuel of a loving heart.
I definitely identify more than anything as a "mother". I don't think I've ever used "caregiver" to describe my role but I might have used the word "caretaking" as part of a list of duties for descriptive purposes in my writing-- certainly not intending it to act as a primary definition or characterisation for mothers. It is definitely interesting to analyse the words our society uses/encourages and what these words imply...!
Wonderful post! I certainly do not identify myself as a caregiver and the word being used to describe SAHMs gives me the ick as well. It sounds totally detached and empty. I am a mother! Thank you for sharing your heart ❤️
What a thought provoking piece, Emily. I very much agree with the ick feeling. It reminded me of a debate I got into with my little brother after one of my recent posts on careers and motherhood, about the term “primary carer” and his view that both parents are (even the one who works outside the home — to which I don’t agree with if one person is deliberately in the home raising children and all that entails). I don’t particularly enjoy the term primary carer either, but I found myself using it on my CV as opposed to “Mother” — which after reading your piece, I’m reflecting again on that choice. 😂Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼
Thank you for this. This takes great courage to say. God bless you.
Thank you!
Calling myself a "caregiver" gives me the same ick as calling my husband my "partner".
I love this! I’m not a wife or a mother (sadly) but I think my desire to be both is put out of my reach by women who insist on making everything gender neutral and trying to get worldly recognition and affirmation for motherhood (and all things “womanhood.”) Because they are absolutely trying to say that being home with your children should be optional for women and that a mother and a father should have the exact same role in a child’s life with the exact same time spent and not-spent with their kids. I get that sometimes, women and mothers have to work outside the home. But that should be the exception, not the rule. Gender neutral language subtly tries to make outside work for women and career attainment the rule and the goal by commodifying motherhood until domesticity is no longer the normal, healthy, satisfying and proper place for women (and their children). I am completely trapped in a feminist dystopia corporate nightmare in large part because progressive women are trying to redefine everything feminine and masculinize it for brownie points—which has the (usually, but not always, unintended) side effect of making it so men and women are no longer attracted to each other for marriage and family life because neither sex can actually fulfill their embodied role in creation. A travesty and a grave injustice to those of us who never signed up for this. Thank you so much for mothering instead of “caregiving.” Thank you for choosing your words with care and thoughtfulness. Thank you for your beautiful humility, which is paradoxically one of the most glorious and grand things you could do. And thank you for looking out for all the women behind you who see femininity not as something to be ashamed of or shirked, but as a high calling in its own right.
*EDIT: I want to note that I saw that you are a massage therapist. I don’t think having a profession is a bad thing as a woman. I want to be an author and a screenwriter! I want to be fabulously successful professionally and also be a wife and mother. But I was trying more so to critique a culture that makes pursuit of riches the apex of femininity and mandatory for women. I think it’s great that you do something outside of the home and that it makes you money. I hope to do the same!
Hi Rachel, thanks so much for your kind words! I hope you are able to find your way to motherhood and housewifery eventually, if that is your goal :)
I don’t actually work outside the home. I maintain my massage therapy license and work on my own time, on friends and family. It’s one of my “backup” options if I ever needed to seek gainful employment. I also teach piano lessons as another way to make money on the side, which contributes to our bills and savings. I think it’s a great thing for moms to have “cottage industry” options for living out meaningful hobbies and contributing in more ways than one to their family’s livelihood.
That’s my dream! A cottage industry! Thank you for hoping with me! ♥️
I believe that this is another example of de-gendering the mother's and father's roles in parenting. A mother's duties are made more credible -- and also more easily dismissed as feminine duties -- by the use of a more gender neutral term. Caregiver, birthing person, etc. I reject the term on those reasons alone because I have strong beliefs about what a mother's role looks like in her young child's development and how that SHOULD differ from the father's role.
I wholeheartedly agree, thank you for posting ❤️ keep being brave!
Thank you!
I think you will really enjoy this article! https://hearthandfield.com/the-job-for-which-all-others-exist-lets-bring-back-the-term-homemaker/
I think the shift from “homemaker” to “SAHM” is about caring for children—the part you have to pay someone else to do if you have another job. A woman can be a homemaker without children, and she needs to do much of the same homemaking even when she has a full-time job. So it became all about the lack of a job—something women didn’t want to focus on, even if it meant switching to a clunky phrase like SAHM.
Ok, I read it; thanks for sharing! I too use the term “homemaker” when asked for my “job title” on any form. I think it encompasses most of what we do as mothers at home!
I’ll read it, thanks!
Yes, I love “homemaker.”
An interesting topic here for sure! That Richard Scarry image is great. All mothers work, absolutely. But that's actually why I like the language of "care" and "caregiving": to describe the work of at-home motherhood. Not because I need or want others to validate what I do but simply because it actually is work to tend to other human beings, in that it requires effort and energy. (So not as much as a descriptor of myself but as a descriptor of the work.) Mothers who work outside the home are still mothers; they're just doing less care work. That's how I mostly use this language, to describe what it takes to tend to children. Yes, love is there, and it fuels it, but it's still work and our culture doesn't seem to understand that in the least, especially when it comes to parenting. Many people genuinely don't understand the difference between the work of tending to children (what I'd call care work) and housework (they're not the same, though they overlap). Overall, I think it's really good that we're talking about care in this way and with this language. It's supportive of caregivers, in that it helps elevate the work and get it out of the shadows, to see its value and its dignity. I do agree that we shouldn't shy away from the term of "mother" and other woman-centric language related to motherhood. It's a both/and for me, I think!
When you say "let them think what they want," it seems to me that's asking a lot of women doing relentless, unpaid work: to basically also be fine with people not understanding what they do really at all, even thinking they're doing nothing. We all want our work to be valued. It reminds me of people saying "you're doing the most important job," or "God sees all you do" - not that those things aren't true, just that they can feel sort of... condescending? No one wants to do work that other people don't even see as work! If we want more people to value care, we first have to help people see what it actually is, and so, again, I think the language along these lines is helpful in that regard!
I'm actually reading a book over on my Substack this year about this topic, called When You Care. I think this topic is so very important and I'm glad you wrote this, even though/if we disagree slightly!
Yeah, I loved this essay and also recognize what you're saying, Amber! Like, if I described what I did as "mothering" someone else could think "well yeah I'm a mother too but that's a relationship, not a job.... I WORK" because they've never done the full-on homemaking and mothering thing so they just have no category for what you're doing. lol Which goes back to Emily's "let them think what they'll think" - which like you explain, can be tricky for us to grapple with who are doing the work.
Yep yep. Thx for your thoughts Haley! It's tricky for sure.
Amber, thanks for your comment! This is exactly the kind of discussion I was hoping to spark!
I see your point, here. I realize it maybe sounds hard to “ask a lot of women to basically be fine with people not understanding what they really do at all, even thinking they’re doing nothing.” But I think that’s often the case when someone is doing something good that goes unacknowledged by the larger community. Learning to become ok with doing what we think is right - even if others ignore it or downright disapprove of it. It’s hard, yes. But I do think it can become easier with time, and positive community. I was hoping my essay might partly serve as encouragement to other women towards this very purpose, because I’m wary of making concessions in language towards a more modern job-centered culture.
I agree with that generally! And time and community definitely make it easier! I just think it's too much to ask of mothers who are already unsupported in so many ways in our modern context.
And to be clear, I'd get major ick as well if someone insisted on being called a caregiver *instead of* a mother. To me, the terms are simply different - a mother is something you are (because you have children); "caregiver" is describing something one does. Mothers give care, a specific type of care called mothering.
I'd write more, but bedtime is calling! Off to do that care work ;)
Thank you for this post! I'm in a different stage of life than you--caring for the two great-grandmas in the family as well as my 2-year-old granddaughter for 24 hours a week. Your essay got me thinking of the linguistic expressions for what I do--I "watch" my granddaughter. I "look after" or "take care of" my mom and MIL. I naturally describe my role as "I've got my mom and MIL living with us". I think that best implies the breadth of the responsibilities I carry. For SAHMs I agree with you--the term "mother" connotes an infinite number of responsibilities that can only be fulfilled by way of the fuel of a loving heart.
I definitely identify more than anything as a "mother". I don't think I've ever used "caregiver" to describe my role but I might have used the word "caretaking" as part of a list of duties for descriptive purposes in my writing-- certainly not intending it to act as a primary definition or characterisation for mothers. It is definitely interesting to analyse the words our society uses/encourages and what these words imply...!
Wonderful post! I certainly do not identify myself as a caregiver and the word being used to describe SAHMs gives me the ick as well. It sounds totally detached and empty. I am a mother! Thank you for sharing your heart ❤️