Thwarting the "I Need A Break" Mentality

I think I've figured out "me time"

Have you found yourself saying “I need a break!” under your breath? Thinking it while overstimulated at the lunch table? I know I have, at times. When your life is largely dictated by caring for the needs of others, it can feel impossible to make time for yourself. The cyclical nature of motherhood dictates that there will be busier times and periods of lull, but somehow it seems like you just can’t get in a half hour at the end of the day to pick up a book, or take a bath, or even think in quietude.

But do you really need a break? Or is some other factor at play? Let’s examine the situation.

You know how it goes. It starts with feeling touched out, somehow smothered from all the loving little people coming into contact with your body during the day. Between helping the toddler in the bathroom and breaking up a fight amongst two older children, you dimly recall a past life in which you had hobbies, creative pursuits, friends, time to think without being interrupted every 5 seconds, space to lay down and close your eyes without someone yelling your name. You start to feel sad or maybe even a little resentful that your life no longer includes some (or any, depending on your stage of motherhood) of those previously loved things.

Looking around, you think to yourself that if you’re ever going to clamber back up the slope of self-fulfillment, that break has got to happen. And soon, or maybe you’ll lose it!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with moms taking breaks. I mean, what kind of human being would I be to decry alone time for mothers? Most of us feel rejuvenated and centered after spending time away from our usual marching orders. The “break” should serve to restoratively fill your cup so you can return to your daily purpose with renewed energy and attention. No, the danger of feeling reliant on “breaks” lies in the potentially avoidant mentality it can create if they are used to cope with life rather than accept it.

My issue with the “I need a break” mentality is that it can (in some circumstances) delay, disrupt the natural progression of motherhood. I venture to say that there comes a time for most mothers - at what point this occurs can vary, and I think it can happen multiple times in a life - when they are suddenly full to the brim with their duties and find themselves overwhelmed, desiring to hide or even escape from their responsibilities. Cultural decay and lack of a social village notwithstanding, I think this is a phase which is bound to present itself at one time or another to most mothers. Maybe one day, similar to the Cottontail mother¹ pictured below, she awakens to discover 5 children under age 6 who all need to be fed, clothed, taught to behave, and not exposed overly much to screens. (Of course children don’t just appear all at once like that, but sometimes…. it kind of seems that way) Once this stage arrives, the mother can choose to submerge herself in her daily life, submitting to the growing liveliness, fight against it, or run away from it.

from “The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes” by DuBose Heyward

The problem with always looking desperately forward to your “break” is that you do not settle into the full ethos of your current situation as a mother. There is a difference between clinging to the maiden’s characteristic self-focused identity and enjoying some peaceful alone time as a mother. I might step on some toes in saying this, but the nature of motherhood is often to primarily take care of others with the time in her day. She must take care of herself properly in order to fully execute this purpose, but her daily life is fundamentally different than that of most childless women. Fighting this reality will not change it; it will only create anguish and delay the proper maturation into resplendent motherhood.

Our self-focused culture views the yielding to “need a break” mentality as completely inevitable and perfectly acceptable, considering the enormous death to self that motherhood requires. And it is, indeed, natural, for us modern-day mothers to feel stifled and lost given the lack of individualist “me time” which characterizes most of our lives. I remember sobbing as a young mother of one because my ever-awake infant disrupted my designated shower time. My mother, who herself still had young-ish children at home and lived 40 minutes away, came over and took care of my son while I took my shower. It’s embarrassing to recount now, but I recall feeling utterly devastated then at the sheer lack of time I had to myself. In hindsight, that moment was a single step on my journey to maturation as a mother. No, I am not saying that mothers should resign themselves to doing everything alone, with no help, and no breathing time, but the identity shift into primarily caring for others rather than for yourself can be painful; and these individual stressful events can serve a purpose in progressing that change.

Once upon a time, I was a mom who felt entitled to “breaks,” in the sense that I would white-knuckle my way through the week until the appointed two-hour time slot arrived during which a teenage babysitter would come to my home, and I would drive away, alone, to do whatever I wanted. I spent the rest of the week leading up to the next me-break grasping at any moments of alone time, sometimes hiding from my children, dissociating and scrolling on Instagram to grasp at a sense of creative identity outside of my home. I had five children under age eight at the time, and with the birth of my fifth child I experienced a sudden scrambling desire to depart from my sole identity as mother and caretaker. Not in any real sense, but mentally I fought hard against surrendering to my precious and vulnerable position as a mother of many.

The problem was not that I spent two hours away from my children every week. The problem was that I was surrounded by beautiful people who loved me, in a safe, peaceful home, in a happy marriage, and I wanted to escape. I was resisting the acceptance of my role as a wife and mother of five small children, and what that meant for my mental, physical and spiritual life.

Here is the advice I wish I could go back and give my younger self:

Feeling out of control or suffocated in your life quite possibly means you need one or both of the following two things (aside from the mental decision to work towards acceptance of your lot): 1) more sleep and 2) more discipline.

The proof in this advice is that as an introverted, somewhat OCD homeschooling mother of six, I no longer feel the need to escape or dissociate from my work as long as I stay on top of those two action items!

I am not going to use this space to convince you of the need for more sleep. We all know that many of us barely subsist on enough as it is. Being well rested will do incredible things for your mood and patience with whatever life decides to throw at you. But in order to get enough sleep as a mother of many children, you must be disciplined!

It all starts with a proper bed time, which relies on your children being in bed at the correct time. If your children are going to bed at 9:30, you are not going to get quiet time in the evenings to yourself unless you stay up until an ungodly hour. And in order to get your children to bed on time, dinner must be early enough to allow for cleanup and bedtime activities to happen in their proper place. In order to have dinner on time, you must be able to prioritize the needed tasks to avoid scooching the meal later and later in favor of unnecessary happenings. If it sounds militaristic - well, it kind of is. If it sounds intimidating - it definitely can be! But again, here is where having enough sleep will help you execute what needs to be done as a wife and homemaker. The days roll into one another, with habits and schedules building and forming set frameworks for life to progress smoothly.²

Here is a snapshot of what this schedule looks like in our home (as of now). ”Me time” happens in the evenings after my children are in bed. If I serve dinner at 5:00, we all have time to work together to clean up the dining room and kitchen afterwards. At my current stage in life, there’s no reason I should be doing all the evening chores myself! Children go upstairs for bed at 6:45, lights are out by 7:15. The baby sometimes takes longer to get to bed, but overall I’m not interacting with my children anymore after 8:00 - because they are going to sleep! And since the evening chores have already largely been completed, I am left with time to read, walk, shower, write on Substack, whatever. I can get to bed by 10:00 having rejuvenated my sense of self separately from my children, without having paid any babysitters.

kids are in bed! time for mom to do her thing!

Since this is the Internet, I am expecting some to read this and misconstrue my message. To be clear: I am not saying that women should never leave the house, or have any life outside their family. For myself, I meet up monthly with my fellow mom-friends, we prioritize visiting with family and friends on the weekends, and I’ll occasionally go on outings with one of my sisters, mom, or friends. I take continuing education in massage therapy, I get a massage and go to the day spa probably once every two or three months. Those are all enjoyable activities which round out my social life and physical well being. At other times, I have leaned more heavily on taking a simple walk at a nature preserve, going shopping alone, or attending a talk at church. However, I am not and was not reliant on these activities to cope with my life, as I have learned that taking breaks to gasp for air leaves you feeling drowned for the remainder of your time. The difference lies in the mentality, and the viewing of self-care through the mother’s lens, not the maiden’s glasses of autonomy.

Of course, there are times in life when breaks ARE necessary just to survive. Some of those times might include caring for a special needs or medical needs child, undergoing unchangeable negative life circumstances, or living through a transitory high-stress job position. Sometimes you’re in a situation where you literally can’t get enough sleep or breathing room to function. Ideally, those instances would exist as a phase which you will eventually exit and transition to a more balanced frame of life. I’ve been there at various times, and I’m here to reassure you that you should not feel bad for needing a breather in those hard times. My intent with this essay is not to gaslight anyone into thinking their difficult state of affairs is manufactured by a lack of self discipline. But I think in a general sense, we can take a hard look at ourselves and recognize whether things can’t be improved by rustling up more self discipline and getting to bed on time.³

What will you lose as a mother by shoring up your self discipline and budgeting in more sleep?

Nothing, except a little more of your former maiden self - and that’s not a bad thing.

1. I highly recommend the book “The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes” for an (fictional) example of a mother of many ordering her life to create “me time!”

2. Here I refer you to

Leila Marie Lawler

and her excellent Substack,

The School for Housewives

, along with her book set The Summa Domestica . She provides a wealth of information on homemaking, self care, homeschooling, and raising children. Her “How to Take a Shower” chapter in TSD is *gold.* I’m guessing a good number of you already subscribe to Auntie Leila, and I know I’ve linked to her before in other essays, but I’m just going to keep doing it until everyone who needs to see her excellent advice has seen it!

3. Ironically, here I am finishing this essay at 10:30 pm. But - do as I say, not as I do!