I think this is also very true of fathers. Perhaps more so as our culture offers men more opportunities for breaks from their families. So unless a man intentionally checks-in, he can easily become reliant on all his breaks (work, time with the guys, working out, etc) in order to cope with the stressors of family life, instead of stepping into fatherhood as a lived reality and identity.
“My intent with this essay is not to gaslight anyone into thinking their difficult state of affairs is manufactured by a lack of self discipline” —- this is most definitely my problem! I am terrible at schedules, routines, even eating the same thing two days in a row. But I can see I need to buckle down or I am going to be gasping for air here as we prepare to bring home baby #4.
I love this so much. I think many women, for sure myself, struggle with the overnight transition of caring for no one to “this human is fully dependent on me.” There is no way to prep for this identity shift. There is no hacking it. And yes breaks are important, but if one is constantly feeling squeezed and need of a break… it’s time to shed more pieces of what once was.
This is, as the comments show, helpful for many. And I saw you making caveats for circumstances that seem dire enough to allow for moms to admit to needing a break.
I would only caution that you don’t project this mindset onto others. We all have different strengths, weaknesses, and temperaments.
For example, if I took an essay like this to heart - me and my adhd brain would absolutely crash all the way out and become useless to myself AND my family 😅.
I absolutely do need a break and if I go into denial about that, my body will shut down and take it for me.
I’m one person but it’s like this for a lot of moms 💜
I totally agree. She has some good points but I’m glad I didn’t read articles like this when I was a young new mom. I have 7 kids with the oldest being 19. I don’t think the author has older teenagers yet either and it’s always funny to me when mothers give advice when they only have little ones.
Amazing read! Thank you for sharing that shower story - I have similar painful stories of the same growing pains. It’s wild how long that transition from maiden to mother takes, and often in fits and starts. ❤️ probably doesn’t help that the only form of self care our culture prescribes is maiden centric, thank you for describing the alternative so well!
I found that when I am feeling thwarted and impatient with the littles lately, it often is also connected to needing to... use the facilities! I think that is another way we can be disciplined. Put down the book, the phone, the computer, even the contact-napping baby... and go use the restroom. I am amazed at how much more I can handle on an empty bladder.
I have kids and a household that is naturally up later, and I've tried to move back bedtime from 9:30, but it feels like a losing battle, especially in summer with such a late sunset. I think I need to either try to get my time alone in the morning, before the children wake up, or I need to wake them up on a schedule so that they start getting tired on time. That's the advice @leilamarielawler gave me many moons ago and I am revisiting it now as the children try their darnedest to stay up later and later.
I definitely wake mine up and take them outside when bedtime is sliding too late. I also have blackout curtains in their rooms (and actually mine due to light pollution). Daylight savings time messes everything up and it does not work to just pretend it doesn't exist (which I'm always tempted to do)
Yes, I cannot imagine getting my kids in bed by 7:15pm especially in the summertime! If we can consistently have a 9pm bedtime I’ll be happy 😅😅 I’m a night owl though so myself going to bed at 10pm sounds very unappealing 🤣
This was great read! I have a 20-month-old and 7-month-old and have just recently begun having strictly early dinners right before our strict bedtime so that I have time to clean up after, do bedtime, and then have some time to myself. I think to myself every other day how nice this new rhythm is and how much time and energy it gives me for my marriage, reading, etc.
I found myself nodding along in agreement to everything you wrote here. It has been a hard process for me but I have finally learned that my time will be different and my breaks look different too. Thank you so much for sharing your insights
Thank you so much for writing this! I appreciate the advice in it!
As a first time mom to a beautiful 4 month old I find myself being tempted to think that I “need a break” but I feel like that thought usually comes at the point where I’m absolutely exhausted/at my wits’ end. I also struggled (and sometimes still do) with letting go of what my life was like before motherhood. I grieved it heavily in the beginning. This stage I am now in is hard but necessary and beautiful growth.
I have a question about evenings once there are teenagers in the mix. A 7:15 lights-out can work with littles, but teens? How do you still find a bit of solo time in the evenings once it's reasonable for them to be staying up longer, without pushing your own bedtime later?
So, I am prefacing my response by saying that oldest child is about to turn 11. I do not have teens yet! I am drawing on my own experience growing up with my siblings and I, and from other mom friends with older children. AND Leila Lawlers blog post on conforming your schedule to jive with teenagers…
When your kids are older, they can take on more of the chores and responsibility around the house, even possibly some of the driving/errands that need to be done. This can allow for mom to take a nap or get time alone DURING the day vs at night. Since yes, many teenagers like to stay up late and talk. However, I am going to still try and enforce a somewhat strict bedtime for my teens. We have several autoimmune diseases in the family, and I also have personally seen many teenagers crash and burn, develop health issues when adopting the “typical teen” lifestyle of staying up late. So I’m going to try and have my teens in bed at 9pm. We’ll see how it goes 😅 but I think that making “me time” now doesn’t have to detract from the future version of your life… after all, motherhood is all about changing into the next phase of ourselves and adapting to the next phase of life, right?
… I’m worried this is gonna sound snarky and I don’t mean it to at all - it’s just I have a teenager now and uh 😅. You don’t.
I mean, you can be strict about having a cut off time for your own availability, but you’ll miss out on a lot of important convos and such if you do.
and this is why I think it’s necessary to be realistic about you’re own need for a break all along the way in motherhood. So you stay in tune with yourself and do your kids see you modeling taking space when you need it. So they learn to be in tune with themselves and their own need for breaks, too.
I’m taking a break right NOW 😂😂.
“Sorry bud, I’m writing right now - hold onto your art and show me when I come out okay!”
I take my breaks when I take my breaks. He will go to sleep when he goes to sleep. It’s all okay 😅
I think you can have a normal cutoff time and understand you’ll have to make more exceptions than when they are little. I see so many friends having issues because they make the exception the rule.
The exceptions are the rule in my house and I welcome the trouble 🤷🏻♀️. ESP by the time they’re teens - it’s only a minute until they’re out on their own.
But this is where it comes down to individual family dynamics/tempraments/thresholds.
I think part of being a mom is choosing your version of tolerable trouble 😆
I completely agree. Actually, it’s kind of a different angle on the same topic this article is about, but for a different age range. Just like she says living for her breaks was a detriment to her and her family’s wellbeing, so it can be if you start living for your nighttime free time and have to cut off your teenage children’s real needs. Honestly teens can’t be autopiloted. Their needs are as pressing as a toddler’s. I find teenage parenting more hands on than the middle years.
This is such an important perspective. My children range in age from 1-23 years and they all live here at home. Meeting the nighttime feeding needs of an infant and the late night *sharing* needs of teens and young adults, while homeschooling grade school aged kids during the day, is A LOT. Napping hasn’t been possible. The infant phase, is of course, only a season, but with the wide range of ages that I have (22 years between oldest and youngest!), parenting adolescents, for me, will be a decades long prospect. I think it’s 29 years between when my oldest turned 13 and my youngest will turn 20. Simply saying, “Sorry guys, I’m off the clock after 9pm” is not practical and honestly not a great way to foster connection. They just want to open up so much much but it happens at night when they are ready to relax and let it spill out. I don’t regret making myself available for that. But it does mean taking actual breaks at other times. Because I do have limits.
I wonder this as well for early rising youngsters! My son would be up at 4am if he went to bed at 7:15 and he’s not even three yet! He goes to bed about 8:30 and still only sleeps till 7 occasionally 😂
Have you actually tried this?? My kids go to bed early and it’s when they stay up too late that they wake up to early…. My 2.5 year old was going to bed at 6/6:30 and I think his sweet spot is 7, he sleeps until 6;30 or 7. If he goes to bed at 8:30 he’s up earlier! 6!
Yes! We had a period where we thought he was getting overtired with late bedtimes so we pushed it back to 7:30 or so. He kept getting up earlier and earlier as the attempt went on and only got back to getting up after 6 when we moved bedtime later again. He does still nap, so I expect his bedtime to get a bit earlier when he drops that. But we’ve tried lots of iterations of early bedtime and for my child it just means he gets up much earlier than we would like 🙃
Yes! We’ve had kids who go to bed like Emily’s, nice early bedtime, normal wake up time (6-6:30). My current toddler is NOT like this (very much like yours Lindsey!) and I have several teens, so I can appreciate all this conversation! The reality is, we all need to take the principle—discipline—and pray about how/where to apply it to our own every-changing complex lives & families!
Since becoming a mother, I've never struggled with feeling like I needed a break "to do whatever I wanted" as opposed to, implicitly, being stuck doing things I didn't want to do. When those maternal hormones kicked in, I found I genuinely wanted to do all of the things involved in motherhood, and with more motivation than I'd ever felt in my life. Of course, I wish I had twice as many hours to do it all in; prioritizing is the struggle.
For me, what I actually need a break for has always been physical wellness. I once realized that I had not gotten to walk for five minutes, without encumbering my gait by strapping a baby to my torso or pushing a stroller or cart or holding a squirming hand or leash, from the time my oldest was born until he was eighteen months old. A five minute walk where I could swing my arms naturally - that's what I wanted. It would have been so refreshing for my body. Likewise, I wasn't able to line up childcare so I could take a yoga class until that age either. The ability to finally relax into a stretch without being on guard against a toddler hurling himself at me or crying to be picked up was so healing.
I'm sad for my past self that life was so hard at the time that I couldn't do those things. It was also an intensely precious time of life; I have always loved being a mother and spending most every waking and sleeping moment with my children. But it could have been even better with breaks. The difference between being on primary duty 99% of the time and 95% of the time is significant. No matter how great normal life is, there are a few necessities like walking naturally for five minutes that require that 5% break to logistically achieve.
YES! Physical wellness is so important! I completely neglected my physical body for about the first 16 years I was a mother until I found myself very sick and unhealthy and HAD to change. As it turns out, giving birth to children does not take the human needs for nourishing food, exercise, rest, and even mental stimulation, out of the mother. We are still a living organism. Pouring always from an empty cup got me into trouble.
You have articulated the half formed observations I've made about the "I need a break" mindset. I have been in the painful transition you describe, relinquishing the maiden mindset in favor of the matriarch, and it's hard work. I've stumbled into the same realization about discipline: I loathe getting out of bed in the morning, and since committing to waking before my children and going on a walk with my neighbor, my life has gotten measurably better - other good habits and routines have organically followed.
Welcomed advice! Thank you Emily. Here in the Balearic Islands of Spain we have a lot of sunshine during the summer. We have our biggest meal for lunch, then take an afternoon siesta/quiet time. This is my time to lay down with the baby while my toddler listens to an audio book. We spend the afternoons outside and this helps them settle down for the night around 8pm.
I love an evening shower too - to take the day off!
I have eight kids with the youngest just arrived in April and the oldest is 18. You're right about the seasons of crazy work! And also enough sleep/discipline! It's funny, I keep to the same dinner and bedtime schedule that you recommend because my husband's work schedule basically decreed it. And it does leave you with time in the evenings to do whatever. It's very much a life saver for letting you decompress and actually see your husband. :-D
What do you do with your teens? My oldest is only 11 but her bedtime is getting later. It seems that making more exceptions with teens but not letting them be the rule is a reasonable expectation but would love your thoughts.
Yeah, I have one who is 12 and one who is 10 in addition to my teens. I have a blanket "screens off" time at 7 pm, and an official bedtime at 8 pm. The official bedtime is just that they have to stay in their rooms, they can stay up late and read or draw or whatever. After staying up really late a few times, they've more or less settled on a 9 pm bedtime for themselves. Sometimes they stay up a little later, but as long as they're in their rooms being quiet, I allow it. My whole goal of parenting is to teach these kids to govern themselves, so I give them space to make decisions for themselves like that.
I loved this. A timely reminder. I actually was working on (and just finished) a post that dovetails with this. Linked this!
I think this is also very true of fathers. Perhaps more so as our culture offers men more opportunities for breaks from their families. So unless a man intentionally checks-in, he can easily become reliant on all his breaks (work, time with the guys, working out, etc) in order to cope with the stressors of family life, instead of stepping into fatherhood as a lived reality and identity.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
“My intent with this essay is not to gaslight anyone into thinking their difficult state of affairs is manufactured by a lack of self discipline” —- this is most definitely my problem! I am terrible at schedules, routines, even eating the same thing two days in a row. But I can see I need to buckle down or I am going to be gasping for air here as we prepare to bring home baby #4.
I love this so much. I think many women, for sure myself, struggle with the overnight transition of caring for no one to “this human is fully dependent on me.” There is no way to prep for this identity shift. There is no hacking it. And yes breaks are important, but if one is constantly feeling squeezed and need of a break… it’s time to shed more pieces of what once was.
This is, as the comments show, helpful for many. And I saw you making caveats for circumstances that seem dire enough to allow for moms to admit to needing a break.
I would only caution that you don’t project this mindset onto others. We all have different strengths, weaknesses, and temperaments.
For example, if I took an essay like this to heart - me and my adhd brain would absolutely crash all the way out and become useless to myself AND my family 😅.
I absolutely do need a break and if I go into denial about that, my body will shut down and take it for me.
I’m one person but it’s like this for a lot of moms 💜
I totally agree. She has some good points but I’m glad I didn’t read articles like this when I was a young new mom. I have 7 kids with the oldest being 19. I don’t think the author has older teenagers yet either and it’s always funny to me when mothers give advice when they only have little ones.
Amazing read! Thank you for sharing that shower story - I have similar painful stories of the same growing pains. It’s wild how long that transition from maiden to mother takes, and often in fits and starts. ❤️ probably doesn’t help that the only form of self care our culture prescribes is maiden centric, thank you for describing the alternative so well!
Oh gosh. I definitely needed to read this today.
I found that when I am feeling thwarted and impatient with the littles lately, it often is also connected to needing to... use the facilities! I think that is another way we can be disciplined. Put down the book, the phone, the computer, even the contact-napping baby... and go use the restroom. I am amazed at how much more I can handle on an empty bladder.
I have kids and a household that is naturally up later, and I've tried to move back bedtime from 9:30, but it feels like a losing battle, especially in summer with such a late sunset. I think I need to either try to get my time alone in the morning, before the children wake up, or I need to wake them up on a schedule so that they start getting tired on time. That's the advice @leilamarielawler gave me many moons ago and I am revisiting it now as the children try their darnedest to stay up later and later.
I definitely wake mine up and take them outside when bedtime is sliding too late. I also have blackout curtains in their rooms (and actually mine due to light pollution). Daylight savings time messes everything up and it does not work to just pretend it doesn't exist (which I'm always tempted to do)
Yes, I cannot imagine getting my kids in bed by 7:15pm especially in the summertime! If we can consistently have a 9pm bedtime I’ll be happy 😅😅 I’m a night owl though so myself going to bed at 10pm sounds very unappealing 🤣
This was great read! I have a 20-month-old and 7-month-old and have just recently begun having strictly early dinners right before our strict bedtime so that I have time to clean up after, do bedtime, and then have some time to myself. I think to myself every other day how nice this new rhythm is and how much time and energy it gives me for my marriage, reading, etc.
I found myself nodding along in agreement to everything you wrote here. It has been a hard process for me but I have finally learned that my time will be different and my breaks look different too. Thank you so much for sharing your insights
Thank you so much for writing this! I appreciate the advice in it!
As a first time mom to a beautiful 4 month old I find myself being tempted to think that I “need a break” but I feel like that thought usually comes at the point where I’m absolutely exhausted/at my wits’ end. I also struggled (and sometimes still do) with letting go of what my life was like before motherhood. I grieved it heavily in the beginning. This stage I am now in is hard but necessary and beautiful growth.
I have a question about evenings once there are teenagers in the mix. A 7:15 lights-out can work with littles, but teens? How do you still find a bit of solo time in the evenings once it's reasonable for them to be staying up longer, without pushing your own bedtime later?
So, I am prefacing my response by saying that oldest child is about to turn 11. I do not have teens yet! I am drawing on my own experience growing up with my siblings and I, and from other mom friends with older children. AND Leila Lawlers blog post on conforming your schedule to jive with teenagers…
When your kids are older, they can take on more of the chores and responsibility around the house, even possibly some of the driving/errands that need to be done. This can allow for mom to take a nap or get time alone DURING the day vs at night. Since yes, many teenagers like to stay up late and talk. However, I am going to still try and enforce a somewhat strict bedtime for my teens. We have several autoimmune diseases in the family, and I also have personally seen many teenagers crash and burn, develop health issues when adopting the “typical teen” lifestyle of staying up late. So I’m going to try and have my teens in bed at 9pm. We’ll see how it goes 😅 but I think that making “me time” now doesn’t have to detract from the future version of your life… after all, motherhood is all about changing into the next phase of ourselves and adapting to the next phase of life, right?
… I’m worried this is gonna sound snarky and I don’t mean it to at all - it’s just I have a teenager now and uh 😅. You don’t.
I mean, you can be strict about having a cut off time for your own availability, but you’ll miss out on a lot of important convos and such if you do.
and this is why I think it’s necessary to be realistic about you’re own need for a break all along the way in motherhood. So you stay in tune with yourself and do your kids see you modeling taking space when you need it. So they learn to be in tune with themselves and their own need for breaks, too.
I’m taking a break right NOW 😂😂.
“Sorry bud, I’m writing right now - hold onto your art and show me when I come out okay!”
I take my breaks when I take my breaks. He will go to sleep when he goes to sleep. It’s all okay 😅
I think you can have a normal cutoff time and understand you’ll have to make more exceptions than when they are little. I see so many friends having issues because they make the exception the rule.
The exceptions are the rule in my house and I welcome the trouble 🤷🏻♀️. ESP by the time they’re teens - it’s only a minute until they’re out on their own.
But this is where it comes down to individual family dynamics/tempraments/thresholds.
I think part of being a mom is choosing your version of tolerable trouble 😆
I completely agree. Actually, it’s kind of a different angle on the same topic this article is about, but for a different age range. Just like she says living for her breaks was a detriment to her and her family’s wellbeing, so it can be if you start living for your nighttime free time and have to cut off your teenage children’s real needs. Honestly teens can’t be autopiloted. Their needs are as pressing as a toddler’s. I find teenage parenting more hands on than the middle years.
This is such an important perspective. My children range in age from 1-23 years and they all live here at home. Meeting the nighttime feeding needs of an infant and the late night *sharing* needs of teens and young adults, while homeschooling grade school aged kids during the day, is A LOT. Napping hasn’t been possible. The infant phase, is of course, only a season, but with the wide range of ages that I have (22 years between oldest and youngest!), parenting adolescents, for me, will be a decades long prospect. I think it’s 29 years between when my oldest turned 13 and my youngest will turn 20. Simply saying, “Sorry guys, I’m off the clock after 9pm” is not practical and honestly not a great way to foster connection. They just want to open up so much much but it happens at night when they are ready to relax and let it spill out. I don’t regret making myself available for that. But it does mean taking actual breaks at other times. Because I do have limits.
I wonder this as well for early rising youngsters! My son would be up at 4am if he went to bed at 7:15 and he’s not even three yet! He goes to bed about 8:30 and still only sleeps till 7 occasionally 😂
Have you actually tried this?? My kids go to bed early and it’s when they stay up too late that they wake up to early…. My 2.5 year old was going to bed at 6/6:30 and I think his sweet spot is 7, he sleeps until 6;30 or 7. If he goes to bed at 8:30 he’s up earlier! 6!
Yes! We had a period where we thought he was getting overtired with late bedtimes so we pushed it back to 7:30 or so. He kept getting up earlier and earlier as the attempt went on and only got back to getting up after 6 when we moved bedtime later again. He does still nap, so I expect his bedtime to get a bit earlier when he drops that. But we’ve tried lots of iterations of early bedtime and for my child it just means he gets up much earlier than we would like 🙃
Yes! We’ve had kids who go to bed like Emily’s, nice early bedtime, normal wake up time (6-6:30). My current toddler is NOT like this (very much like yours Lindsey!) and I have several teens, so I can appreciate all this conversation! The reality is, we all need to take the principle—discipline—and pray about how/where to apply it to our own every-changing complex lives & families!
Since becoming a mother, I've never struggled with feeling like I needed a break "to do whatever I wanted" as opposed to, implicitly, being stuck doing things I didn't want to do. When those maternal hormones kicked in, I found I genuinely wanted to do all of the things involved in motherhood, and with more motivation than I'd ever felt in my life. Of course, I wish I had twice as many hours to do it all in; prioritizing is the struggle.
For me, what I actually need a break for has always been physical wellness. I once realized that I had not gotten to walk for five minutes, without encumbering my gait by strapping a baby to my torso or pushing a stroller or cart or holding a squirming hand or leash, from the time my oldest was born until he was eighteen months old. A five minute walk where I could swing my arms naturally - that's what I wanted. It would have been so refreshing for my body. Likewise, I wasn't able to line up childcare so I could take a yoga class until that age either. The ability to finally relax into a stretch without being on guard against a toddler hurling himself at me or crying to be picked up was so healing.
I'm sad for my past self that life was so hard at the time that I couldn't do those things. It was also an intensely precious time of life; I have always loved being a mother and spending most every waking and sleeping moment with my children. But it could have been even better with breaks. The difference between being on primary duty 99% of the time and 95% of the time is significant. No matter how great normal life is, there are a few necessities like walking naturally for five minutes that require that 5% break to logistically achieve.
YES! Physical wellness is so important! I completely neglected my physical body for about the first 16 years I was a mother until I found myself very sick and unhealthy and HAD to change. As it turns out, giving birth to children does not take the human needs for nourishing food, exercise, rest, and even mental stimulation, out of the mother. We are still a living organism. Pouring always from an empty cup got me into trouble.
You have articulated the half formed observations I've made about the "I need a break" mindset. I have been in the painful transition you describe, relinquishing the maiden mindset in favor of the matriarch, and it's hard work. I've stumbled into the same realization about discipline: I loathe getting out of bed in the morning, and since committing to waking before my children and going on a walk with my neighbor, my life has gotten measurably better - other good habits and routines have organically followed.
Welcomed advice! Thank you Emily. Here in the Balearic Islands of Spain we have a lot of sunshine during the summer. We have our biggest meal for lunch, then take an afternoon siesta/quiet time. This is my time to lay down with the baby while my toddler listens to an audio book. We spend the afternoons outside and this helps them settle down for the night around 8pm.
I love an evening shower too - to take the day off!
This is excellent! I am amazed at the good sense here in your post!
I also went to eBay to find a copy of “The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes”! Thanks for the recommendation!
I have eight kids with the youngest just arrived in April and the oldest is 18. You're right about the seasons of crazy work! And also enough sleep/discipline! It's funny, I keep to the same dinner and bedtime schedule that you recommend because my husband's work schedule basically decreed it. And it does leave you with time in the evenings to do whatever. It's very much a life saver for letting you decompress and actually see your husband. :-D
What do you do with your teens? My oldest is only 11 but her bedtime is getting later. It seems that making more exceptions with teens but not letting them be the rule is a reasonable expectation but would love your thoughts.
Yeah, I have one who is 12 and one who is 10 in addition to my teens. I have a blanket "screens off" time at 7 pm, and an official bedtime at 8 pm. The official bedtime is just that they have to stay in their rooms, they can stay up late and read or draw or whatever. After staying up really late a few times, they've more or less settled on a 9 pm bedtime for themselves. Sometimes they stay up a little later, but as long as they're in their rooms being quiet, I allow it. My whole goal of parenting is to teach these kids to govern themselves, so I give them space to make decisions for themselves like that.